[old blog entries]

Out of a Freaky White Journal

~my journal that is.

this is what I wrote at 2AM of my birthday… the one I mentioned in an earlier entry. i think it is fun to share these thoughts(…besides im still waiting for some enrolment paperwork to be signed and released by 1PM… an hour!)

here goes.

How long should i be living a lie.
I don’t feel like I am true to my self.
Even worse, I am still confused of who I really am.

And I am still searching for my own reality…

Anyway,

IT SUCKS…

…knowing that you are trying to reach out to some people who seemed to far out of reach…
…being envious of someone whom you have treated as a friend…
…to be not trusted…
…to be too afraid to trust…
…having the feeling of doubt…
…to be back bitten [is there such word?]…
…to back bite…
…realizing that you can dream BIG THINGS, then, wake up to know that they will always be dreams… only DREAMS…
…being unsure of what you want or who you want to be…
…failing on the subject you thought you were good at…
…thinking that for once you have put meaning in your life, but then, all that is a joke…
…loving someone who doesn’t care for, or doesn’t even know your existence [now, where did that come from =)]…
…starting a project you cannot finish…
…believing that you are strong when, you are often too vulnerable, even for words…
…to find that the reason for your life is not a good reason at all[well, in human understanding this could happen… but God’s reason, on why you are here on this earth is waaay.. better than pathetic human understanding. and it is even beyond man’s understanding, beyond comprehension =)]…
…you are contained in a barrier which they call rules, laws[i call them standards…]…
…to end up choking in the noose you created…
…hxgxxegaoftruxloeximoraxhoixcxgndahx [<— i don’t want to write this but i am typing the whole journal]…
…living among too normal people…
…crying out for no reason…
…being poor when the world thinks you are rich…
…liking someone for the worst reason possible, within the worst time and he is just the wrong porson to like because… it is just wrong[hmmm, sino kaya ang may ganitong sitwasyon…]…
…Not finishing this diary[ehem, journal!] when it has been a year since i started writing here…
…forgetting to decode a secret code you created and only you know how to decode it and it is the way you write in your journal[eheehehe=) this is fun!]…
…being born, or existing and not feeling the care of the people around you.

BUMMER

well, some of the statemenst there happened to me, while others are just creations of my bizaare matter enclosed in my skull. ha!

I realized.. it is fun writing those stuff..
I love thinking of situations and scenarios… haha=)

^^

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