[old blog entries]

The Monster That I am | Feeling Completely Purple

i stopped talking to the people i usually talk to in the dorm

the joy in my heart serving in through the choir diminished into a minute speck of dust

figuring out how selfish i can be and how equally selfish a friend could also be is hard. especially if that particular person has been very close to your heart. can i do anything?

i can’t talk to her to straighten things out. that is not my thing. i can just sit back and wait. maybe. things would just turn back to normal. but it has been two weeks of no talk.

the problem is, why am i bothered and she is not? proves it right all along, she doesn’t really care for me as a friend. i am a complete nobody to her or a mere plaything when we were still, uhmmm “friends” -as if that really occur, that blasted Friendship.

You may say that i am eaten by guilt. hah! that’s what they always say. But no, hell no. i just think that i am betrayed. i don’t easily trust, and the people i don’t trust the most are the people who don’t trust me. it is a problem in trust and that is plain sickening.

about the choir. i can’t stand the fact that the whole choir adores the little kid. not just adore, you can see the difference in the way other OLDER peple treat her and the way they treat the rest of us. i recall, evrythime she is not yet around and there is food, they will reserve some for her. and there was a time when two of us were late because of an exam and we came fro practice, there is nothing to eat. go figure.

i also have this strong feeling of not being wanted. i am also not needed. i can’t sing well, my voice can’t be heard. i am out of pitch and out of tune. i am just a useless junk. so maybe. i’ll be saying goodbye.

______________

i attended a friend’s debut last night.

prior to that i have bought of a nice gift for her – a symnbolic gift because if not symbolic, i already know what’s perfect for her, Paulo Coelhos’s THE WARRIOR OF THE LIGHT.

i thought, i should make her a personalized picture, a photomanipulation, a deviation[?]… i am really speaking like a deviartArt artist. so i spent hours and hours perfecting a picture of a young girl transformed into a fairy and three buterflies with a gorgeous landscape, thanks to fria ainne’s laptop [my husband’s in a coma].
i added her(the debutante’s) name, her birthdate and her ‘child’ pic. and voila! a symbolic gift. i don’t need to explain her why i made her that.. basta, amin na lang yun. go figure.

that night, hehe, [fria ainnne and] i came to the venue earlier that the people i know. and… my nose bled seeing that the whole place is so FREAKIN PURPLE!!!! i don’t have anything against the color but it is just… whoa, freaky. anyway, it’s the debutatnte’s favorite color. and yeah, i forgot, even teh cake is freaking purple. i texted her about that [i’m getting sick of purple. everything here is purple. even my gift is purple]… and she replied, “haha”.

so much for that. i didn’t go back to the dorm. so we slept in the an exdormates dorm. hehe.

i dreamt about the debutante and my pet dog and we were waay south in the Philippines, in our house…waaaah. i miss my Kitty[the dog, that is!]

okay, maybe, i’ll just do that. say goodbye. i think it’s for the best. i had enough stab wounds.

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