The Lull

When I not frantically running around to finish the pile of task laid for me, I am given time to reflect. Now, I am asking my self again, why am I so unhappy?

Funny, the moment I decided to start writing about this, a read a post in Facebook about a quote allegedly from the Dalai Lama. It says: “Man…. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Am I living my life? Am I too anxious for the future?

I am anxious for my future and at the same time, frustrated, still, in my present. I guess, the hectic schedule masks the turmoil inside, the voice in me that keeps yelling “I’m not good enough.”

Sometimes I think, people may see this as false humility or a way to fish for compliments. It is never the case. For my age, I seemed to have not accomplish anything. I know there is always room for improvement, but I still wonder, when is the time for me to shine, when will I ever reach my full potential?

Now, I am back to question God as to why am I in this state of uncertainty. Why am I not out of this pit?

I am trying to move forward from the mess I made in the first years of my tertiary education. I am enjoying my second attempt for a Bachelor’s Degree. I am trying to be productive in as many ways as possible.

However, my experiences still haunt me today. With my former University so close, I still recall the days when I was proud of my school. I was full of hope then.

Now, all I feel is uncertainty.

My stubborn nature can’t let go. I still find ways to make my self miserable as I try to move forward. I still compare my self to the successful people with ages same as mine.

I can’t let it go.

I need to be assured that I am doing well. REALLY doing well.

I need to know for certain that I am not running miles towards the wrong direction or worse, to a brick wall.

I need to be sure that I really have potential; that there will be a definite time for me to excel and succeed.

Stubbornness and impatience can be a lethal combination. After all those words of encouragement, I still find myself to square one.

Oh, Lord, help me.


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