Personal Reflections

a hundred scores and nine years.

“Unpredictable”

 
-the best word to describe the year that has passed.
The year 2009 by far is the craziest roller coaster ride I have. Until now, I still am conflicted whether to call this year the year of the downward spiral or just a year of trials. My hopeful self would pick the latter, but honestly, I think the former fits better. I am a pessimist. I don’t want to sugarcoat that.
The year started pretty okay. I continued communication with the people I met that Christmas. in a way, I am expanding my circle of ‘friends’ and acquaintances. At that time, the feeling of being alone slowly vanished. I felt that there are people, other than my family whom I can talk to.
My win in a contest in a graphic arts convention added confidence in my deeply damaged ego. With that win, I thought I could be brave enough to join on any contest. I guess I needed extra push.

The DeviantArt chatrooms continued to be my haven to communicate with other artists. I discovered a group of heroes, original characters by the Filipino members of the said site. I wanted so much to contribute a character of my own. I resurrected a lady from the dreams of my 10 year old self. I tried to recreate her life through a more convincing storyline. With that, my fears continued to haunt me. I never submitted my character. I never polished her tale. I only told some friends about her. As I clicked on the folder where I left her image and text document, I can’t help but to sigh. She’s just another unfinished creation.
In the same year, I started hanging out in a chat room with eager artjam participants. In those minutes of speed painting, I was challenged and at the same time felt that my talent seemed inadequate.
The greatest family disturbance (well, this excludes THAT disturbance)* happened in the middle of the year. We are somewhat ‘forced’ to move from our current abode due to some ‘program’ by management**. (must be careful not to…uhm.. give clues?) The family decided to move to ‘the city’ since (1) my sister will be pursuing her MPH degree, (2) my mom was given a special assignment in the city and (3) I have a job opportunity. After weeks of rushed search, we found a place. It really costed much. And… first impression don’t last. =/***
 
I quit my job. After a few weeks of mental and physical torture, I decided it’s not worth all the pain. I spent the last two months of the year with really limited resources. I missed the times when I searched for gifts for my family. I recall my mom say, “‘Wag kang mag alala, naiintindihan naman namin. (Don’t worry, we understand.)”
I lost some ‘friends’ in the year 2009 not because of death, but because of personal differences – trust issues and personal struggles.
and.. hmm.. Infatuation. I wish I never felt that.
But in the lowest point of my life, the warrior in my struggles to break free from the pull. I can’t blame anyone, or anything for what has happened to this year. I fear rejection. I fear pain. In the end, that’s what I got. Oftentimes, I ask myself, Why am I back to square one? I thought I am making a lot of progress.
For now, I look forward to this new year(with anxiety? haha.) with hope – hope that I will learn to fight, hope that I may turn from all the negativity that drags me down.
Let me go back to the arms of My Loving Father who I somewhat disobeyed and ignored in the past year.
Let me really start again..
—————
* THAT disturbance is excluded in the list because nothing can surpass THAT. well, except when there is already closure and with that, THAT will no longer be considered as such. (WT~ sometimes, i mean, oftentimes, i don;t get myself)
 
** The last time we visited the apartment where we used to live, the place looked like an abandoned building. The vegetables (camote tops and kangknong) grew to enormous proportions. (gets?)
 
*** We can’t wait to get out of the #*&&(#$&)^
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