a hundred scores and nine years.

-the best word to describe the year that has passed.

The year 2009 by far is the craziest roller coaster ride I have. Until now, I still am conflicted whether to call this year the year of the downward spiral or just a year of trials. My hopeful self would pick the latter, but honestly, I think the former fits better. I am a pessimist. I don’t want to sugarcoat that.

The year started pretty okay. I continued communication with the people I met that Christmas. in a way, I am expanding my circle of ‘friends’ and acquaintances. At that time, the feeling of being alone slowly vanished. I felt that there are people, other than my family whom I can talk to.

My win in a contest in a graphic arts convention added confidence in my deeply damaged ego. With that win, I thought I could be brave enough to join on any contest. I guess I needed extra push.

The DeviantArt chatrooms continued to be my haven to communicate with other artists. I discovered a group of heroes, original characters by the Filipino members of the said site. I wanted so much to contribute a character of my own. I resurrected a lady from the dreams of my 10 year old self. I tried to recreate her life through a more convincing storyline. With that, my fears continued to haunt me. I never submitted my character. I never polished her tale. I only told some friends about her. As I clicked on the folder where I left her image and text document, I can’t help but to sigh. She’s just another unfinished creation.

In the same year, I started hanging out in a chat room with eager artjam participants. In those minutes of speed painting, I was challenged and at the same time felt that my talent seemed inadequate.

The greatest family disturbance (well, this excludes THAT disturbance)* happened in the middle of the year. We are somewhat ‘forced’ to move from our current abode due to some ‘program’ by management**. (must be careful not to…uhm.. give clues?) The family decided to move to ‘the city’ since (1) my sister will be pursuing her MPH degree, (2) my mom was given a special assignment in the city and (3) I have a job opportunity. After weeks of rushed search, we found a place. It really costed much. And… first impression don’t last. =/***

I quit my job. After a few weeks of mental and physical torture, I decided it’s not worth all the pain. I spent the last two months of the year with really limited resources. I missed the times when I searched for gifts for my family. I recall my mom say, “‘Wag kang mag alala, naiintindihan naman namin. (Don’t worry, we understand.)”

I lost some ‘friends’ in the year 2009 not because of death, but because of personal differences – trust issues and personal struggles.

and.. hmm.. Infatuation. I wish I never felt that.

But in the lowest point of my life, the warrior in my struggles to break free from the pull. I can’t blame anyone, or anything for what has happened to this year. I fear rejection. I fear pain. In the end, that’s what I got. Oftentimes, I ask myself, Why am I back to square one? I thought I am making a lot of progress.

For now, I look forward to this new year(with anxiety? haha.) with hope – hope that I will learn to fight, hope that I may turn from all the negativity that drags me down.

Let me go back to the arms of My Loving Father who I somewhat disobeyed and ignored in the past year.

Let me really start again..