I find myself back to the first day of my Trumpets Musical Theater for Adults class in 2010. I could hardly move. Too self-conscious, I usually turn blank in activities that teaches you to think fast. And with that, I was often apologetic. After a few sessions, I started to feel at ease with myself and enjoyed the summer with my new found friends whom which I still contact through social network sites and meet up with in riots.

Fast forward it to now, 2011, I am sitting in front of the desktop acquired in the late 2010 inside the third floor studio unit in an apartment building, a new home until I graduated from my Bachelor’s Degree. The setting was different, but I am still mindful of the things I am doing. Mindful, not in a cautious tactful way, but in an overly self-conscious manner. Ah! Thoughts on how I should act and my low self-esteem perpetually plagues me.

For one, I am currently taking a course on Newswriting. Newswriting involves not only writing proficiency but also the skills in data gathering, i.e. interviews and research, which is something that I have self-doubts. I am certain that we will have pointers and lectures on the procedures but my paranoid self tucked comfortable in my subconscious screams second-guesses.

The same unsure nature induces indecisiveness my online writing job. I could hardly pick a topic because I fear not being able to submit it on time. In four months, I only accomplished 3 projects.

However, another side of me tries to break free from the clutches of ambivalence.I started to open up for Digital Portrait requests.  I also proposed to take the position of Associate Editor in the campus paper.

I guess a huge part of this dubious attitude stems from my connection with my elementary classmates. I keep comparing what they have accomplished to my lack of achievement. My friends usually lecture me on comparing lives. However, my brained seemed to be programmed to consistently compare. Perhaps,My competitive nature mixed with the inferiority complex generated by my (sort-of) traumatic life begets this mentality.

Let’s see where will this take me. I hope not to read another rant in this blog. Who knows, this might be the last. I really hope so..


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