Random Musings On a Rainy Day: Solitude

I should be heading over to school for a meeting for an academic organization. But I don’t feel like going. I’m still a bit depressed on how my quest for a great interviewee was concluded. A friend told me that it was something beyond my control which made me feel worse actually. I have always wanted to be in control of things – much more, after I experienced a downward spiral when I entered college. Heck, I am still trying to be freed from the whirlwind.

Also, I would like to bask in the solitude I rarely experience most especially because I live in a studio-type apartment with my 2 siblings and  a mother who drops by in a weekly basis. And I couldn’t stay at home as often as I wanted because of the demands of my academics and the organization I took part in. Oh! What have I done in my life!

Thinking of the craziness of my schedule made me realize how much better my life would have been if I stayed in a low profile as I initially planned when I first enrolled. However, in my age, I rather do well in more than just academics. My career will depend on how much I learn in college and there are lessons learned not only within the four corners of the classroom.

What I am experiencing now is the battle between the career oriented self and my introverted personality. I choose a Mass Communication degree which requires me to be immersed with the public –  to have social awareness and to provide information to the people. The personality I have has the tendency to lock myself in my room and be absorbed in either my artwork or the novel that I am still writing even after a decade.

For now, I want to seek refuge. I wish to be sheltered in my bubble. The past weeks pushed me to keep up to date with the events, to meet deadlines, and to communicate with people. I don’t want to lose who I am over the responsibilities demanded by the position I am in.

Someone told me recently how differently I act now than when we first met. On hindsight, most of the people who belong to my circle of friends perceive me as an outspoken extrovert. I think only a few knows how awkward I am in social situations.

When I get choked over the people-oriented tasks I have to undertake, my heart screams for a moment when I can curl inside my room, in the world of my own, in the world where I belong.


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