The challenge is to push myself and achieve the ultimate goal before the deadline. The deadline had come and passed. It’s over. I lost. I didn’t make it. And for the next few days, I have been beating myself over it.
I have never been confident in my writing skills, to begin with. Throughout my four years in the University, I try to learn as much as I can although I continuously face various distractions. They say it’s normal for artists, and I am a self-proclaimed artist. Oftentimes, I am still unsure.
The words “write to express, not to impress” has always been a mantra for me. However, those words are put to a new light whenever I continue to fail impressing the news desk and my internship supervisor and allow me to see my name in print in the broadsheet. I need to impress them so that my work will be worthy of publication.
I often joke now on how I will cry myself to sleep. Come to think of it, I haven’t really cried about this. There may have been times that I was teary eyed but I haven’t broken down and really wept.
But I know I feel crushed. It felt like there is a fist grasping my heart, trying to squeeze it. The next few mornings after the missed deadline, I would open my eyes and feel like not getting up and going on in my life.
I still want to push this.
I still want to finish the race.
But for now, my brain has turned into mush.
For now, I’m lost.
But everything will be alright.
Everything will be alright.